American Myths Part I

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

American Myths Part I

I found this over at Richard Shelton's blog America Under Attack (hat tip, Richard). It's one of those crazy emails that goes around and uses all the perfectly American arguments based on radical xenophobia and complete ignorance of how the real world works.

It consists of well worn myths regarding this great country. The first myth mentioned is that the United States is generous in its foreign aid donations and that we could save tons by turning off that spigot.

It then basically goes onto the common isolationist arguments. All we do is tirelessly go around the globe helping people out and nobody appreciates it! We had to sacrifice millions of Iraqis in order to remove the thug we installed, and they don't even appreciate our willingness to sacrifice them! The only answer is to just sever all ties. It's not like the rest of the world has anything we need. Hell we have prisons filled with people that will work for forty cents an hour. Just allow us to remove our oil from underneathe the Iraqi and Iranian deserts and we'll be on our way. Oh, and we noticed some of our oil was in the Caspian sea area, too. We'll have to grab that before we go.

Well, here's your job. Read it. Nod your head in all the right places. Try to keep track of your nodding. Your nodding will be directly proportional to the degree in which you have internilized the imperialistic propaganda:

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic?Call France!In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mesamis.I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New YorkA special note to our! neighbors. Canada is on List 2 Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty – starting now.We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska – which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from ! America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America! Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

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Published in: on April 19, 2006 at 10:21 pm  Leave a Comment  

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